When people ask me what my hobbies are or what I like to do
besides write and go to school, I often want to lie. Should I say I read, hike,
cook and hang out with friends? Those aren’t complete lies, but what I should
really say is that there is nothing I prefer more than watching TV.
I’m
not just talking about flipping through the channels catching reruns of “Grey’s
Anatomy” or HBO’s movie of the month. I mean marathon, never-miss-an-episode,
obsessed television watching.
There
are so many wonderful things about watching TV, but there is one very obvious
and somewhat painful chore that comes with turning on the boob tube:
commercials.
Everyone
endures them, networks need them, and once a year we glorify them in between
plays of football. As inevitable as they are, and as clever as some can be,
there is nothing that bothers me more about commercials than the celebrity
voice over.
It
is so unnerving when I hear Tim Allen trying to sell me a Chevy or Julia
Roberts pitching Nationwide Insurance.
I
guess the idea is that if we hear a celebrity talking about it, we must assume
they use it and we should too.
Am I going to buy a Mercedes just
because the oh-so dapper voice of Mad Men’s Don Draper says I should? Probably
not. Am I going to run to the store to buy all 100 flavors of Yoplait yogurt
because Lisa Kudrow, better known as quirky friend Phoebe, can deliver the
just-as quirky lines about a dairy product? I hope not.
What
gets me the most is that celebrities actually agree to it. Don’t they make enough
money on my beloved TV or the silver screen? Doesn’t Jeff Bridges have the
Academy Awards on his mantel to give him enough notoriety so he doesn’t also
have to be known as the voice of those cheesy Hyundai commercials?
And
what do those companies offer in order for a celeb to agree to be their
voice-over man or woman. Sure Jon Hamm got one of those Mercedes, but he
probably could have bought one with his $250,000 an episode salary. And does
Lisa Kudrow get a lifetime supply of yogurt? Again, I really hope not.
To
me the most tragic of these pitchmen are two of my favorite TV funnymen. The
handsome and talented John Krasinski babbles on about Esurance, an online
insurance company. If a gecko can’t sell me “15-minute or less” insurance, I
don’t think Jim Halper can sell me online insurance.
And the perfect comically timed
Jason Sudeikis talks about how sizzling and exciting Applebee’s is. The last
time I went to Applebee’s there was nothing sizzling or exciting about it.
Some friends who travelled to
Europe for dialogue this summer have told me that celebrity commercials are
even more despicable over there than they are here. With one look at Uma
Thurman dressed as a hooker on a couch talking seductively about Schweppes
soda, I understood what they meant. (The commercial is worth a YouTube view for
a laugh).
In our celebrity-obsessed culture
(me included), it’s logical to have the faces and voices of our adored stars
gracing not just the shows and movies we love, but also the ads.
I love seeing Emma Stone put on
lipstick and Drew Barrymore swipe eye shadow across her lids. I love watching
Sofia Vergara dance around looking for Pepsi and Ty Burrell talk to oranges. I
just wish I didn’t.
Take me back to Mr. Moviefone, the
deity-esque voice of movie trailers, or the good old days of jingles. Sure I’ll
take another dollop of Daisy.
I miss not recognizing the voices
of my commercials and taking in the meaning of consumerism instead of the
direction of the next celeb’s career.
